Lehigh Valley Magic Soccer Club

WELCOME back!

          The spring soccer season officially kicks off next week, and I’d like to take this opportunity to let you know the schedule and provide guidelines. With a view to maximizing our performance, this summer I attended the National Conference of Pixie League Coaches, held in King of Prussia, Pa. I did some valuable networking and came away truly "pumped."

PHYSICAL TRAINING

Per my memo last June regarding the summer-training regimen, your eleven-year-old daughter should now be able to: (a) run a mile in under five minutes with cinder blocks attached to each ankle (lower body); (b) bench-press the family minivan (upper body); (c) swim a hundred yards in fifty-degree water while holding her breath (wind); (d) remain standing while bowling balls are thrown at her (stamina).

PRACTICE SCHEDULE

• Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays: 5:30 A.M.
• Tuesdays, Thursdays: 5:30 P.M.
• Sundays: 7 A.M.
• Columbus Day Weekend: 7:30 A.M.
  Note: Live ammunition will be used at the Thursday practice.
  

VIDEO CRITIQUE OF GAMES

• Mondays, 8 P.M. Parents strongly urged to attend. See "Camera Dads" sign-up list (Attachment E). Note: Professional-quality video cameras preferred.
   

GAME SCHEDULE

• Saturdays, 8 A.M. Important: Please be sure to have your daughter there at least two hours before game time for the pregame strategy briefing and pep rally. Note: As the girls will be biting the heads off live animals, we will need lots of guinea pigs, hamsters, parakeets, etc. See sign-up list (Attachment P). No goldfish, please!

HALFTIME SNACKS

• Last year, there was some confusion about appropriate nourishment. According to guidelines established by the N.C.P.L.C.’s Committee on Nutrition and Performance, "snacks high in carbohydrates, sucrose, and corn syrup have been demonstrated to provide dramatic short-term metabolic gain." So save those low-fat pretzels for your cocktail parties and bring on the Twinkies and Ring Dings. Let’s make sure that when the Magic hit the field, they’re hoppin’!
  

USE OF STEROIDS

• One of the many things I took away from the panel discussions at King of Prussia was that, contrary to medical guidelines, use of anabolic steroids by preteens is not necessarily a hundred per cent harmful. (See Attachment Q: "New Thinking on Performance Boosters and Mortality.") Magic club doctor Bill Hughes will discuss the merits of stanozolol versus fluoxymesterone and dispense prescriptions to all interested parents. (Participation encouraged!)

Note: If any Magic parents are planning a vacation in Mexico, please see me about bringing back certain hard-to-get enhancers, like HGH (human-growth hormone) and EPO (erythropoeitin).

PARENTAL INPUT ON PLAYER SUBSTITUTIONS

         Much as I appreciate your enthusiasm, it is not helpful if in the middle of a tense game situation you abuse me verbally – or, as one overzealous dad did last season, assault me physically – because I have not sent in your daughter. For this reason, I will be carrying a Taser with me at all times. These anti-assault devices deliver up to fifty thousand volts of electricity, and leave the recipient drooling and twitching for weeks. Though I will make every effort to see that each Magic player gets her turn on the field, if you get "in my face" about it don’t be "shocked, shocked." to find yourself flat on your back in need of cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

INJURIES

         If your daughter has kept up with the summer-training program, there’s no reason she shouldn’t be able to finish out a game with minor injuries, such as hairline bone fractures or subdural hematomas. (Parental support needed!) Remember the Magic motto: "That which does not kill me makes me a better midfielder!"

CHEERLEADING

         If the coaches at K. of P. were unanimous about anything, it was the key importance of parental screaming from the sidelines. This not only lets our girls know that Magic parents do not accept failure but also alerts the other team that if they win you will probably "go postal" (kid talk for temporary insanity) and try to run them over in the parking lot after the game.

See you Monday morning!

1. Thou shalt not impose your ambitions on thy child.
   
   Improvement and progress occur at different rates for each individual. Don't judge your child's progress based on the performance of others, and don't push based on what you think they should be doing.
    
2. Thou shalt be supportive no matter what.
   
   There is only one question to ask your child - Did you have fun? If games and practices are not fun, your child should not be forced to participate.
    
3. Thou shalt not coach your child.
   
   Do not undermine the coach by coaching your child on the side. Your job is to support and love your child and the coach is responsible for the technical part of the job.
    
4. Thou shalt have only positive things to say at a soccer game.
   
   If you are going to show up at a soccer game, cheer and applaud, but never criticize. Always strive to set a good example for your child.
    
5. Thou shalt acknowledge your child's fears.
   
   A soccer game can be stressful. It is appropriate for your child to be anxious. Assure your child that the coach would not have suggested his or her playing position if you child was not ready for it.
    
6. Thou shalt not criticize officials.
   
   Don't criticize those who are doing their best.
    
7. Honor thy child's coach.
   
   The bond between coach and player is a special one which contributes to your child's success as well as fun. Do not criticize the coach in the presence of your child. It will only serve to hurt your child's game.
    
8. Thy child shall have goals besides winning.
   
   An honest effort, regardless of the outcome, is much more important than winning.
    
9. Thou shalt place your child first above everything.
   
   Ask yourself this question - Are your child's goals more important to you than they are to your child? Remember that the focus of youth sports should be fun. A child is constantly changing, and his/her goals, interests and participation in activities will change as well. Parents should remain flexible, patient and always supportive while their child strives to find his/her niche in life.
    
10. Thou shalt not expect thy child to become an MLS star.
    
    There are more than 14,000 teams in California Youth Soccer Association alone. The odds of your child becoming a star in the MLS are very slim. Soccer teaches self-esteem and fitness. It provides lifelong friendships and much much more. Soccer builds good people and you should be happy that your child wants to participate.

Dear Parents,

              Here are some hints on how to make this a fun season, with lots of positive memories for your kids and your family.

1. Make sure that win or lose you love them, as the person in their life that they can always look to for support.
    
2. Try to be completely honest with yourself about your kids' athletic capability, their competitive attitude, their sportsmanship, and their level of skills.
   
3. Be helpful, but don't coach your kids on the way to the game or at the breakfast table.  Think about how tough it must be on them to be constantly inundated with advice, pep talks, and criticism.
   
4. Teach your kids to enjoy the thrill of competition, to be out there trying, to be constantly working to improve their skills, to take physical bumps and come back for more.  Don't tell them that winning doesn't count because it does, and they know it.  Instead help them develop a healthy competitive attitude, a "feel" for competing, for trying hard, for having a good time.
   
5. Try not to live your life through your kids.  You've lost as well as won.  You've been frightened and backed off at times.  Sure they are an extension of you but they may not feel the same way as you did, want the same things, or have the same attitude. 
   
6. Don't push them in the direction that gives you the most satisfaction.  Don't compete with your kids' coaches.  A coach may become a hero to your kids for a while, someone who can do no wrong, and you may find that hard to take.  Conversely, don't automatically side with your kids against their coaches. Try to help them understand the necessity for discipline, rules, and regulations. 
   
7. Don't compare your kids with other players on their team - at least not within their hearing - don't lie to them about their capabilities as a player.  If you are overly protective you will perpetuate the problem.
   
8. Get to know your kids' coaches.   Make sure that you approve of each coach's attitude and ethics.  Coaches can be influential, and you should know the values of each coach so that you can decide whether or not you want them passed on to your kids.
   
9. Remember that children tend to exaggerate.  Temper your reaction to stories that they bring home from practice or the game about how they were praised or criticized.  Don't criticize them for exaggerating, but don't overact to the stories that they tell you.
   
10. Teach your kids the meaning of courage.  Some of us can climb mountains, but are frightened about getting into a fight.  Some of us can fight without fear, but turn to jelly at the sight of a bee.   Everyone is frightened about something.  Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is learning to perform in spite of fear.  It's overcoming it. 
    
11. Winning is an important goal.   Winning at all costs is stupidity.
    
12. Remember that the officials are necessary.  Don't overreact to their calls.  They have rules and guidelines to follow representing authority on the field.  Teach your kids to respect authority and to play by the rules. 
    
13.   Finally, remember, if the kids aren't having fun, we're missing the whole point of youth sports.
    

"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence." Vince Lombardi

"Risk more than others think is safe ~ Care more than others think is wise ~ Dream more than others think is practical ~ Expect more than others think is possible." Unknown

"There will come a point in the race, when you alone will need to decide. You will need to make a choice. Do you really want it? You will need to decide."Rolf Arands

"Everyone has the desire to win, but only champions have the desire to prepare."- Unknown

"The 5 Ss of sports training are: stamina, speed, strength, skill, and spirit; but the greatest of these is spirit."Ken Doherty

"Show me a man who never failed and I'll show you a man who never tried anything hard enough" Allen Waimsley

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."-- Wayne Gretzky